we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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