He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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