You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The best revenge is premature balding
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I have feelings that need drinking.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
