I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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