My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
