walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
you had me at cake vodka
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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