I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize