This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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