Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
