I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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