Kiss
Puke
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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