This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
