How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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