I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
