I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
