I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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