So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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