you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
