I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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