I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
