dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
