i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
And then my night got REAL pukey
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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