My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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