I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
