Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
