I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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