I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
