I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
