Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
