i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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