i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize