Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
