in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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