you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
