u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
