rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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