I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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