Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
