This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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