Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize