No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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