Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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