i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
