He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
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