I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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