walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
