dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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