Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
