I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
