The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize