just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Im part way to drunk.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
