idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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