the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
