He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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