can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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