I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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