he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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