it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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